Today is the 20th anniversary of my mom's suicide. I'm not feeling more sad than usual, just want to acknowledge this day as there is no person I can share this with. Not my family, for fear of bringing back bad memories, and not the people in my life now, for fear they will think I am depressed. No, I have had plenty of time to deal with the sadness from this loss. But in recent years, I know I am affected physically even if I no longer feel affected by it emotionally. My recent bouts of random vomiting, constant anxiety, and inability to cope with stress supports the fact that we all hold tension in our bodies. Negative emotions and energy will inevitably need to find some release.

I cannot tell whether I am in a situation that makes me sad, regretful, and angry, or if it's because of traumatizing events in my life that shape the way I view every situation I am in. My mom died at age 36 and sometimes I wonder whether I will make it to that age myself. Which is ridiculous I know. But sometimes our thoughts have a way of manifesting themselves into reality. 

So I have been working on changing negative thought patterns for a while now. It is hard to do. But most necessary. I see my life in New York up to this point as a deep mess of tangled roots. The roots keep growing even though the tree above it is not thriving. Every decision I have made has been my own, unlike the death of my mother at a young age. I was able to get over that once I acknowledged it was out of my control. My current struggles are a result of my own doing. And that is why I feel hopeless more often than not. How to change my thought patterns if I cannot change my situation? I try to find things I am interested in doing outside of work, exercise, immerse myself in nature, eat well, stand up for things I believe in. Perhaps I reflect too much. 

Have you ever tried meditation? It is difficult for me but the effects are real. To focus our thoughts away from the past and worrying about the future. To focus our mind on the present state is truly difficult. Especially for this dreamer. Forget about things I cannot change. Forget about things that will happen (or not happen) in the future. I sat next to a cookbook author/hunter/blogger on a flight a few months ago, and he had quite an impact for the short few hours we were next to each other. He shut off the screen in front of him, put away his phone, and reminded me that these things distract us from the present moment and from life that is going on right in front of us. Because of this, we had a really nice conversation. It was a reminder that even if I cannot change the way other people interact with me, I can remember to try to be present in my daily life and interactions with other people. Being mindful is a phrase I could roll my eyes at, but for real, it is something to live by.