Back home in Canada. Spent the weekend in Muskoka and Thanksgiving with family and friends. 

It's soup weather again. Made a large batch of veggie stock and a potato mushroom soup with shaved carrots.

Favorite Season

Even if it means I might be getting the sads soon.

Found partridge berries, apples, and hawthorn berries upstate last week. 

Calendula Soap

I usually buy soap from an etsy seller but have been wanting to make my own for some time now. Have made a few batches now and can understand how this can quickly turn into an obsession! Bad with reading instructions, I do my best to follow steps carefully and have so far successfully avoided a volcanic chemical reaction from mixing the lye solution.

For this particular batch, I wanted to make an unscented (always palm oil-free) cold process soap recipe with olive oil, coconut oil, castor oil, avocado oil, and mango butter. At trace, I added some home-grown calendula (dried and ground) and a pinch of turmeric powder for color. The bars looked great after cutting and will cure on the rack for at least 6 weeks. 

A few years ago, I attended a talk at Stone Barns on forest gardening by Dave Jacke. He mentioned growing a native plant called pawpaw which produces fruit that tastes like custard. I've always wanted to try it and saw some at Union Square Greenmarket a few weeks after that talk. It was so good I wanted to get more but sadly have not seen it sold anywhere since.

This year, i saw the tree at a local nursery but don't have the space to grow it in the city. A native plant to the Southeast and Midwest, it is rare and endangered in NY state. So we found someone that knew a guy who has cultivated a few trees in PA and bought a few from him. I ate one and it was very good. So I ate a few more. Then I threw up. I should mention that the seeds are poisonous. But I didn't eat any seeds. I looked it up on Steve Brill's app and he also said he ate one and was fine, but vomited after making a smoothie. So if you're lucky enough to find some, proceed with caution! It's probably one of the best tasting fruits that's native to this country, but eat too much and it will be an emetic!

Kentucky Coffee Tree Seeds

There's a whole variety of foods we can eat that are available to us from all around our environment. While I still enjoy all the fresh veggies and fruit from my local farmer's markets, I'm also interested in learning about how to identify and use wild foods sustainably. On a recent walk in Central Park with "Wildman" Steve Brill, I collected Kentucky coffee tree seeds that were laying around under the tree, some in pods but many just scattered around on the ground. Steve had let us all try carob truffles/energy balls he made with them and I wanted to make some as well on my own. I don't drink coffee but I still like the flavor and aroma. 

So after washing, I roasted the seeds for 3 hours at 300 degrees, following Steve's directions from his app Wild Edibles. Raw seeds are poisonous and roasting them kills the toxins. It's a good idea to cover them while roasting as the seeds pop and can make a mess in the oven. Scoop out the inside of the seeds and grind in a blender. 

Use in place of coffee or to flavor any mocha, chocolate, or carob recipe. Smells just like coffee! Aside from the energy balls, I also made a raw cacao vegan ice cream with a few tablespoons of the powder. A good caffeine-free substitute for coffee, just lying around the park under your feet!

Been spending as much time as I can outdoors this summer. Adopting a dog has helped me get outside more. I've been hiking with friends that have dogs and also walking around the park at least 3 times a day. Hope I can keep it up when it gets colder!

Ritter on the summit of Slide Mountain. He made it!! I think that was one of the most difficult climbs. Have mostly been doing easier hikes lately.

Yellow wood sorrel, one of the tastier weeds.

Lake Minnewaska

Lunch

Dailo and Lola

Struggling

Ever feel like you're stuck in Punxsutawney reliving the same day over and over again?

When I feel depressed, I like to watch movies. Groundhog Day is one of my favorites (and also one of the best movies of all time.)

Now if only I could progress from depression and feeling stuck to seeing my world from a more positive perspective. Take advantage of what seems like a hopeless situation, change negative thought patterns, learn and pursue interests to the fullest, and make my life more about others instead of about what I want. Stop being nostalgic. It's not living in the present. Be present, dammit!

Recently went to Portland, Maine with my sister. It had been a few years and she had never been there before. A very short trip, but it's one of my favorite places to eat. Finally tried Primo-- another 2 hours north east of Portland but so worth the drive. We stayed at a farm near town and listened to a lot of Lionel Richie and Fleetwood Mac. Common ground for us. Good times.

Back at home, my tiny backyard garden is doing well. I was thinking when I harvested the few radishes I grew that I had also bought 75 pounds that week at Restaurant Depot. That place, by the way, makes me so sick. It's the epitome of mass production and consumption. And I'm part of it!! Our business spends hundreds each day there. And so does the entire city of New York. There must be a better way to feed people...

Anyways, no use thinking about things like that. Making some lavender butter, chamomile glycerite, and sage honey instead.

What do you do when you realize that something you've been working on for a long time now has a hole in it?? Keep going knowing that the hole will get larger; try to fix it even though you will always see the mistake you made; or pull it all apart and start fresh?

Today is the 20th anniversary of my mom's suicide. I'm not feeling more sad than usual, just want to acknowledge this day as there is no person I can share this with. Not my family, for fear of bringing back bad memories, and not the people in my life now, for fear they will think I am depressed. No, I have had plenty of time to deal with the sadness from this loss. But in recent years, I know I am affected physically even if I no longer feel affected by it emotionally. My recent bouts of random vomiting, constant anxiety, and inability to cope with stress supports the fact that we all hold tension in our bodies. Negative emotions and energy will inevitably need to find some release.

I cannot tell whether I am in a situation that makes me sad, regretful, and angry, or if it's because of traumatizing events in my life that shape the way I view every situation I am in. My mom died at age 36 and sometimes I wonder whether I will make it to that age myself. Which is ridiculous I know. But sometimes our thoughts have a way of manifesting themselves into reality. 

So I have been working on changing negative thought patterns for a while now. It is hard to do. But most necessary. I see my life in New York up to this point as a deep mess of tangled roots. The roots keep growing even though the tree above it is not thriving. Every decision I have made has been my own, unlike the death of my mother at a young age. I was able to get over that once I acknowledged it was out of my control. My current struggles are a result of my own doing. And that is why I feel hopeless more often than not. How to change my thought patterns if I cannot change my situation? I try to find things I am interested in doing outside of work, exercise, immerse myself in nature, eat well, stand up for things I believe in. Perhaps I reflect too much. 

Have you ever tried meditation? It is difficult for me but the effects are real. To focus our thoughts away from the past and worrying about the future. To focus our mind on the present state is truly difficult. Especially for this dreamer. Forget about things I cannot change. Forget about things that will happen (or not happen) in the future. I sat next to a cookbook author/hunter/blogger on a flight a few months ago, and he had quite an impact for the short few hours we were next to each other. He shut off the screen in front of him, put away his phone, and reminded me that these things distract us from the present moment and from life that is going on right in front of us. Because of this, we had a really nice conversation. It was a reminder that even if I cannot change the way other people interact with me, I can remember to try to be present in my daily life and interactions with other people. Being mindful is a phrase I could roll my eyes at, but for real, it is something to live by.

Social media has gotten me in a funk lately. Everything we post is validated by how many likes or comments we receive, whether we acknowledge it or not. The whole point was to find some kind of connection-- but now I feel even more alone. I want to post something for the sake of self-expression and not because someone else likes it. But we inevitably get caught up in all of that. So I'm back here on my blog.

For the last couple of days, I have been doing kitchen prep work, mostly in solitude. This is punctuated with work days where it's busy from the moment I step in until we leave. Orders in, orders out, making messes, cleaning up. No time to talk or communicate or reflect on anything, and too tired at night to even eat. Also working as a nurse a few days a week. Funny how you can go a whole day talking to so many people and it can be just as isolating as being by yourself. Usually this does not bother me. But lately, I feel like I'm missing something. My sister left after staying a while and although we are very different, I miss her presence, company, and conversation. We had a talk about how important it is to have people in our lives who we can really talk with, how meaningful it can be to share ideas and thoughts with likeminded friends. Too bad my schedule is the opposite of every one I know.

I was able to take a weekend off recently and went upstate with a couple of friends. It was just what I needed and a highlight of the fall season! Yeah, I know. I don't get out much. It took a while to get out of the city, as there was a lot of traffic and also an incident with my friend's dog. But once we stepped out of the car at the farm stand off Route 28, we knew it was going to be a great weekend. We cooked, took long walks, looked for constellations at night, slept by the fire, went treasure hunting at the local antique shop, and ate at the best diner. Hopefully, will get to do all of this again soon!

This winter and holiday season I've had the chance to slow down and rest. Still working hard on market and prep days but since permits are still pending for the storefront, there's not much else we can do but wait. I don't like to plan too much for the future-- never know what's going to happen-- so trying to stay focused on the present.

Cooking and in the kitchen a lot, which makes me happy. 

Below is homemade clotted cream (not the greatest looking thing in the world, but so delicious!) and afternoon tea complete with fresh baked scones, jam, and earl grey. Fancy!!! 

I'm enjoying winter for the most part, but I do wish I canned and preserved more food throughout the year. Let's all try to make more things ourselves this year instead of buying manufactured products from far away places. Let's aim to conserve a little more, buy fewer things, and produce less waste. Sound good?

Alice Waters on the Leonard Lopate show now!

She has been credited with being the pioneer of the culinary philosophy that cooking should be based on the freshest seasonal ingredients that are produced sustainably and locally. Sometimes it seems like this is still a very new concept to eat what's in season and to eat local food--  even though her restaurant Chez Panisse has been open for over 35 years! I really hope the rest of the country will come to mirror the food culture in the Bay area. People that have worked for her or have eaten at her restaurant have gone on to create restaurants of their own in the same spirit (us included!) Her work with gardens and The Edible Schoolyard is important so that we have a future generation of people that are passionate about eating locally and will become advocates for this way of life. I'm so glad that NYC is comparable and has an amazing local food economy, but I'm hoping I will see the day where this entire country moves towards a food system based on thriving, local farm communities.