Two nights ago, I blacked out in the bathroom. I didn't lose consciousness, but I was extremely dizzy and also couldn't see or hear anything for about 5 minutes. I'm not sure what happened really, but I eventually found myself on the couch, with a trail of blood coming from the bathroom and the back of my head a bloody mess.
I don't know how exactly I ended up with a 2-inch gash on the back side of my head, but it seems like I ran with full force into the wall, bounced back and forth from wall to toilet and landed my head on a sharp corner of the cabinet under the sink. Looking back, I should have gotten stitches. But I have to admit, I was a bit intoxicated and understandably embarrassed. So, Neil wrapped a towel around a frozen piece of meat and placed it on the back of my head, and off to bed I went.
What is going on??
It has not been an easy year. On the outside, everything appears to be pretty good. I'm at a place where I should be at this point in my life. I just don't understand why then it feels like everything is wrong.
I'm hesitating to write this post, but I realize that the opportunity to share these thoughts in daily life is rare. So I'll take these few moments to reflect and share with whoever it may be that is reading this right now.
I'll be attending another funeral this coming week. This will be the fourth funeral in the last four months. As my grandfather noted, the year of the Tiger has been filled with a lot of death and loss.
Life is truly short (although it feels so long sometimes). And it's too short to not be happy.
I can't tell whether I'm propelling myself further into an early midlife crisis or simply just reevaluating everything. Either way, I sure got a kick in the head.
2 comments:
Very powerful post, Angie. There is a certain aspect to suffering that brings into focus the reality of life, namely how fleeting joys in this world really are. Those of us who haven't tasted suffering will only get to taste it in the coming years.
I've began to think about these things in the past few years- how I would cope when it is my time to suffer. What will I do when the joys of having my family, friends, and health end, or is suddenly taken away from me? I believe that the only hope I have is what is in the life to come, namely eternal joy in Jesus. I realized the more I come into grips with this reality, the less anxious I become of these sufferings.
It breaks my heart to think of the sufferings your mom had to go through, and the repercussions you and your family had to experience because of what happened. Having said that, I feel like I need to share something with you that is aching in my heart. You might have had mixed messages from “Christians” regarding the outcome of your mom’s decision, but I just want to let you know what I firmly believe according to what is stated in the Bible regarding matters like this.
“Truly I say to you, all sins will be forgiven the sons of men, and whatever blasphemies they utter; but whoever blasphemes against the Holy Spirit never has forgiveness but is guilty of eternal sin.” (Mark 3:28–29)
Only one thing puts a person beyond forgiveness, and that is blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. This is not a single act, since the verse says that all sins and blasphemies will be forgiven, but it is a continual rejection of the call of the Holy Spirit until death. No single sin, not even taking one’s own life, can make a person guilty of condemnation. From what my parents recollect, your mom was a God fearing woman, and whatever momentary sense of hopelessness that caused her to take her life may be unknown, but nobody can say that this final act is unforgivable.
Reading your post really made me stop and think about suffering in this world, and I don’t believe that this recollection is unhealthy or a sign of mid life crisis :). I actually often think about these matters when I learn about the terrifying stories that are always the news/web. I believe the closer we become to realizing that life in this world is futile, hard, and full of sufferings, the deeper we will search for a greater hope.
“For the creation was subjected to futility, not willingly, but because of him who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be set free from its bondage to corruption and obtain the freedom of the glory of the children of God” Rom 8:20-21
I believe that hope in Christ is the only thing that can sustain us through the sufferings in this world (and Christians are not exempt from these sufferings- Rom 8:23). This hope for joy is the only thing that is steadfast and will never fade. All other remedies for suffering will eventually wither away, but this hope is something we can cling onto- and I trust we can hold onto this promise for your mom as well. This is the only place I know true peace resides.
“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27
Sorry that I ended up rambling, but these things are embedded in the core of my being and sometimes I just need to share it.
Thank you for sharing your thoughts, Sherwin. Like I said, I regretted posting it but decided against deleting it because if I felt like deleting everything I thought was stupid to post, I just might delete the entire blog! There's really no appropriate time to talk about something like this in an actual conversation, so I just wanted to get it off my chest. I'm glad to get a response, especially from a friend I grew up with.
I think because my mom died when my sister and I were so young, it sped up my realization of how fleeting joys are in this world. I probably think about these things a little too much. But I'm sure everyone thinks about them at one point or another. Perhaps it's because we're getting older and also seeing our loved ones get older... it's scary when you don't know what is going to happen next.
But I realize that what's different about my mother's death, and why it had such a reverberating and lasting hold on our lives, was because she did something that was out of the natural order. Not old age or disease-- just a final shocking act that really hurt and affected the family she left behind in ways I doubt she ever considered or could foresee.
Honestly, after so many years, it is the repercussions that I struggle with on a daily basis. But at one point, I was very concerned about whether or not she was resting in peace. In the days following her death, I remember asking some elders and pastors about suicide and the state of souls following such an act and getting vague answers-- ones that I felt were answered in pity of me or in attempts to assuage my sorrow.
It wasn't until later on when we were in California during Sunday school that these two teachers pulled me aside after a lesson on suicide and told me finally that my mom's soul was in hell. At least they were direct about it and I appreciated the frankness, but after that experience, I really, really despised going to church.
Here we are so many years later and I don't think much about that anymore. But I definitely haven't forgotten it, so I'm grateful for the words you have shared with me. I know it's not an easy thing to talk about. When I was in the Philippines for my grandma's funeral, I met all these people that grew up with my mom and came up to me with their stories, I guess in a way saying their own peace. It really moved me to tears as they talked about my mother and the person she was. Over time, I have come to the same conclusion that God would not hold it against a person that was faithful to Him but eventually lost her way in this world.
I agree with what you say about searching for more hope as we realize the pursuits of this life are often meaningless, difficult, and futile. I've already shared with you that aside from the losses I've experienced this year, I've learned that what I thought I wanted in life, or could find meaning in, has left me feeling emptier. And further reflection on how I interact with the people and the world around me have made me feel even more disconnected and isolated.
I'm taking all sorts of side streets in my search to gain wisdom, knowledge, peace, and understanding-- all of which are helpful in their own way-- but deep down I know where my answer lies and where the true source of all hope arise. So I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you care enough to share with me what is in your heart. And what a meaningful verse you ended with. I'll also share one that I've been thinking a lot about:
"May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." Romans 15:13
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