Struggling

Ever feel like you're stuck in Punxsutawney reliving the same day over and over again?

When I feel depressed, I like to watch movies. Groundhog Day is one of my favorites (and also one of the best movies of all time.)

Now if only I could progress from depression and feeling stuck to seeing my world from a more positive perspective. Take advantage of what seems like a hopeless situation, change negative thought patterns, learn and pursue interests to the fullest, and make my life more about others instead of about what I want. Stop being nostalgic. It's not living in the present. Be present, dammit!

Recently went to Portland, Maine with my sister. It had been a few years and she had never been there before. A very short trip, but it's one of my favorite places to eat. Finally tried Primo-- another 2 hours north east of Portland but so worth the drive. We stayed at a farm near town and listened to a lot of Lionel Richie and Fleetwood Mac. Common ground for us. Good times.

Back at home, my tiny backyard garden is doing well. I was thinking when I harvested the few radishes I grew that I had also bought 75 pounds that week at Restaurant Depot. That place, by the way, makes me so sick. It's the epitome of mass production and consumption. And I'm part of it!! Our business spends hundreds each day there. And so does the entire city of New York. There must be a better way to feed people...

Anyways, no use thinking about things like that. Making some lavender butter, chamomile glycerite, and sage honey instead.

What do you do when you realize that something you've been working on for a long time now has a hole in it?? Keep going knowing that the hole will get larger; try to fix it even though you will always see the mistake you made; or pull it all apart and start fresh?

Today is the 20th anniversary of my mom's suicide. I'm not feeling more sad than usual, just want to acknowledge this day as there is no person I can share this with. Not my family, for fear of bringing back bad memories, and not the people in my life now, for fear they will think I am depressed. No, I have had plenty of time to deal with the sadness from this loss. But in recent years, I know I am affected physically even if I no longer feel affected by it emotionally. My recent bouts of random vomiting, constant anxiety, and inability to cope with stress supports the fact that we all hold tension in our bodies. Negative emotions and energy will inevitably need to find some release.

I cannot tell whether I am in a situation that makes me sad, regretful, and angry, or if it's because of traumatizing events in my life that shape the way I view every situation I am in. My mom died at age 36 and sometimes I wonder whether I will make it to that age myself. Which is ridiculous I know. But sometimes our thoughts have a way of manifesting themselves into reality. 

So I have been working on changing negative thought patterns for a while now. It is hard to do. But most necessary. I see my life in New York up to this point as a deep mess of tangled roots. The roots keep growing even though the tree above it is not thriving. Every decision I have made has been my own, unlike the death of my mother at a young age. I was able to get over that once I acknowledged it was out of my control. My current struggles are a result of my own doing. And that is why I feel hopeless more often than not. How to change my thought patterns if I cannot change my situation? I try to find things I am interested in doing outside of work, exercise, immerse myself in nature, eat well, stand up for things I believe in. Perhaps I reflect too much. 

Have you ever tried meditation? It is difficult for me but the effects are real. To focus our thoughts away from the past and worrying about the future. To focus our mind on the present state is truly difficult. Especially for this dreamer. Forget about things I cannot change. Forget about things that will happen (or not happen) in the future. I sat next to a cookbook author/hunter/blogger on a flight a few months ago, and he had quite an impact for the short few hours we were next to each other. He shut off the screen in front of him, put away his phone, and reminded me that these things distract us from the present moment and from life that is going on right in front of us. Because of this, we had a really nice conversation. It was a reminder that even if I cannot change the way other people interact with me, I can remember to try to be present in my daily life and interactions with other people. Being mindful is a phrase I could roll my eyes at, but for real, it is something to live by.

Social media has gotten me in a funk lately. Everything we post is validated by how many likes or comments we receive, whether we acknowledge it or not. The whole point was to find some kind of connection-- but now I feel even more alone. I want to post something for the sake of self-expression and not because someone else likes it. But we inevitably get caught up in all of that. So I'm back here on my blog.

For the last couple of days, I have been doing kitchen prep work, mostly in solitude. This is punctuated with work days where it's busy from the moment I step in until we leave. Orders in, orders out, making messes, cleaning up. No time to talk or communicate or reflect on anything, and too tired at night to even eat. Also working as a nurse a few days a week. Funny how you can go a whole day talking to so many people and it can be just as isolating as being by yourself. Usually this does not bother me. But lately, I feel like I'm missing something. My sister left after staying a while and although we are very different, I miss her presence, company, and conversation. We had a talk about how important it is to have people in our lives who we can really talk with, how meaningful it can be to share ideas and thoughts with likeminded friends. Too bad my schedule is the opposite of every one I know.

I was able to take a weekend off recently and went upstate with a couple of friends. It was just what I needed and a highlight of the fall season! Yeah, I know. I don't get out much. It took a while to get out of the city, as there was a lot of traffic and also an incident with my friend's dog. But once we stepped out of the car at the farm stand off Route 28, we knew it was going to be a great weekend. We cooked, took long walks, looked for constellations at night, slept by the fire, went treasure hunting at the local antique shop, and ate at the best diner. Hopefully, will get to do all of this again soon!

This winter and holiday season I've had the chance to slow down and rest. Still working hard on market and prep days but since permits are still pending for the storefront, there's not much else we can do but wait. I don't like to plan too much for the future-- never know what's going to happen-- so trying to stay focused on the present.

Cooking and in the kitchen a lot, which makes me happy. 

Below is homemade clotted cream (not the greatest looking thing in the world, but so delicious!) and afternoon tea complete with fresh baked scones, jam, and earl grey. Fancy!!! 

I'm enjoying winter for the most part, but I do wish I canned and preserved more food throughout the year. Let's all try to make more things ourselves this year instead of buying manufactured products from far away places. Let's aim to conserve a little more, buy fewer things, and produce less waste. Sound good?

Alice Waters on the Leonard Lopate show now!

She has been credited with being the pioneer of the culinary philosophy that cooking should be based on the freshest seasonal ingredients that are produced sustainably and locally. Sometimes it seems like this is still a very new concept to eat what's in season and to eat local food--  even though her restaurant Chez Panisse has been open for over 35 years! I really hope the rest of the country will come to mirror the food culture in the Bay area. People that have worked for her or have eaten at her restaurant have gone on to create restaurants of their own in the same spirit (us included!) Her work with gardens and The Edible Schoolyard is important so that we have a future generation of people that are passionate about eating locally and will become advocates for this way of life. I'm so glad that NYC is comparable and has an amazing local food economy, but I'm hoping I will see the day where this entire country moves towards a food system based on thriving, local farm communities.

There is so much to learn about the world we live in and I'd like to start sharing a little of what I think is interesting.

So to start, here is a link to an article about how Governor Christie of NJ vetoed a bill to ban gestation crates used in the pork industry-- a practice that even McDonalds, Wendy's, and Burger King have deemed so terrible they have committed to end their use in their supply chains. Gestation crates are cages that impregnated pigs are housed in. They are so small that these pigs can not turn around, lie down, or move. They pretty much go insane as they spend most of their entire existence kept in these crates.

Regardless of whether or not you eat meat, like animals or not, or what political party or religion you belong to or believe in, does this sound like something that is right to you? Studies have shown that pigs are more intelligent than most dogs (not implying that intelligence should determine how living beings are treated). Is this a life you would wish on your dog or your neighbor's dog? 

I actually don't have a problem with eating meat, as I serve it in our food business. Humans have evolved to eat meat. But I don't eat meat anymore and it's because of factory "farming" and the state of current meat production. I don't want to have to explain to people that I only eat pastured meat from small, local farms. The fact is that a majority of people in this country and throughout the world do not eat this way. Factory produced meat fuels the entire world. Just because you don't see something does not mean it's not happening. And if you ever saw where your meat comes from, I doubt you would want to eat it.

There are more reasons to stop eating factory-produced meat than there are benefits (the main benefit being your enjoyment.) If you don't care about perpetual animal suffering, then what about the environmental and health impacts. How many tons of shit do you think is produced from a factory in a single day? Where do you think the waste goes? What about increased use of antibiotics (not to mention hormones) in your meat to counter the effects of poor sanitation in cramped quarters? 

I just read here that the US Dept of Agriculture has approved four companies IN CHINA to begin processing chickens slaughtered in the US/Canada and then export the meat back into the US. Does this seem logical to you? Do you want to eat chicken that's been processed in China?? 

I have decided that the consequences outweigh any craving I have for any meal or dish. It's just not that important to me anymore.

I'm not sure how this all started for me, but I think back at the person I was in college living in Southern Cali, a "foodie" that wanted to try all the authentic Guatemalan eateries and find the best Chinese dim sums in the San Gabriel Valley. When I moved to NYC, I carried Robert Seitsema's Guide to the Best Ethnic Eating everywhere I went. Everything was new and exciting. Upon graduating from nursing school, I met my chef husband, who now says that I am clearly not the same person as when he first met me. The person that would try new trendy eateries and also chow down at Noodle Town with him at 3 in the morning. These last few years I have stopped wanting to eat out and opt to cook and eat at home instead. I want to create things myself and want to know where the ingredients came from. I'm trying to find a balance now and be more flexible (I don't want to be a snob!) But I also want to make a statement with what I choose to eat. If one person can veto a bill that the state passed and which 90% of its constituents agreed with, then we can't always rely on government to act for us. The food I decide to spend my money on is one of the only direct ways I can affect any change on a daily basis. Everything we do on this earth has some kind of impact. I can't change anybody else, but I hope that I can make some kind of difference as an individual.

There is so much to learn about the world we live in and I'd like to start sharing a bit of what I think is interesting.

Here is a link to an article about how Governor Christie of NJ vetoed a bill to ban gestation crates used in the pork industry-- a practice that even McDonalds, Wendy's, and Burger King have deemed so terrible they have committed to end their use in their supply chains. If you know nothing about this or have never thought about where exactly your food comes from, these are cages that impregnated pigs are housed in. They are so small that these pigs can not even turn around, lie down, or move. They pretty much go insane as they spend most of their entire existence kept in these crates.

Regardless of whether or not you eat meat, like animals or not, or what political party or religion you are affiliated with, does this sound like something that is right to you? Studies have shown that pigs are more intelligent than most dogs (not implying that intelligence should determine how living beings are treated). Is this a life you would wish on your dog or your neighbor's dog? 

I actually don't have a problem with eating meat, as I serve it in our food business. Humans have evolved to eat meat. But I don't eat meat anymore and it's because of factory "farming" and the state of current meat production. I don't want to have to explain to people that I only eat pastured meat from small, local farms (and sound like a complete snob!) The fact is that a majority of people in this country and throughout the world do not eat this way. Factory produced meat fuels the entire world. Just because you don't see something does not mean it's not happening. And if you ever saw where your meat comes from, I doubt you would want to eat it.

There are more reasons to stop eating factory-produced meat than there are benefits (the main benefit being your enjoyment.) If you don't care about perpetual animal suffering, then what about the environmental and health impacts. How many tons of shit do you think is produced from a factory in a single day? Where do you think the waste goes? What about increased use of antibiotics (not to mention hormones) in your meat to counter the effects of poor sanitation in cramped quarters? 

I just read here that the US Dept of Agriculture has approved four companies IN CHINA to begin processing chickens slaughtered in the US/Canada and then export the meat back into the US. Does this seem logical to you? Do you want to eat chicken that's been processed in China?? 

I have decided that the consequences outweigh any craving I have for any meal or dish. It's just not that important to me anymore.

I'm not sure how this all started for me, but I think back at the person I was in college living in Southern Cali, a "foodie" that wanted to try all the authentic Guatemalan eateries and find the best Chinese dim sums in the San Gabriel Valley. When I moved to NYC, I carried Robert Seitsema's Guide to the Best Ethnic Eating everywhere I went. Everything was new and exciting. Upon graduating from nursing school, I met my chef husband, who now says that I am clearly not the same person as when he first met me. The person that would try new trendy eateries and also chow down at Noodle Town with him at 3 in the morning. These last few years I have stopped wanting to eat out and opt to cook and eat at home instead. I want to create things myself and want to know where the ingredients came from. I'm trying to find a balance now and be more flexible. But I also want to make a statement with what I choose to eat. If one person can veto a bill that the state passed and which 90% of its constituents agreed with, then we can't always rely on government to act for us. The food I decide to spend my money on is one of the only direct ways I can affect any change on a daily basis. Everything we do on this earth has some kind of impact. I can't change anybody else, but I hope that I can make some kind of difference as an individual.

Estimates report that at least 10,000 people may have died from Typhoon Haiyan, the storm that hit the Philippines on Friday. An excerpt from a NY Times article: 

"As aid crews struggled to reach ravaged areas, the storm exposed some of the perennial problems of the Philippines. The country’s roads and airports, long starved of money by corrupt and incompetent governments, are some of the worst in Southeast Asia and often make traveling long distances a trial. On Monday, clogged with debris from splintered buildings and shattered trees, the roads in the storm’s path were worse, slowing rescue teams." 

The storm surge was so powerful and destructive that it mirrored the aftermath of a tsunami. Survivors have no power or water. People will talk about climate change and fault the government for lack of preparation and poor infrastructure-- all of which are valid-- but meanwhile, the death toll will continue to rise.



We're doing a Filipino event this Thursday where we'll help collect what we can to donate-- canned goods, water, whatever people can contribute. It's something small but I hope it will be able to provide some help to those who have been affected.

I love fall so very much. I mean I appreciate all four seasons but fall is why I love the east coast. Leaves falling and changing colors, the wind and rain, apples and pumpkins, and everything else.

Something about the cool, crisp air makes me want to be outside all the time. Lots still going on with work and family but I try to take a day off here and there.

Other happenings. We saw Daniel Craig on Broadway and Neil won a cooking competition. Going to Carnegie Hall soon (another reason to love fall) and attending a fellow vendor's documentary. Pledge time on WNYC. Oh, and we made it to the NY Mag!   

A few months ago, I was really disturbed to learn of the death of a local Brooklyn restauranteur who shot himself after a business meeting where he learned that his restaurants were experiencing financial difficulty. I was shocked because it seemed like his establishment were doing very well. But nothing is as it seems. I remember being haunted by that news as we ourselves are first-time small food business owners. Now I know that even though it may seem like businesses are making money, there are more expenses than people know about or can even imagine-- and the profit margin is SLIM.

It has now been half a year since we signed a lease for our own restaurant and we are throwing away hard earned money every day that passes by that we are not open. Not to mention all that has already been invested (all gone now) by our families and their hard-earned money. Problems keep arising and it doesn't seem like an opening is anywhere in sight. We're working day and night as it is to maintain our weekend markets and we are feeling incredible pressure and financial strain. No one ever said opening a restaurant would be easy. But now I really understand. And we're only at the beginning. I remember my hair-dresser telling me last time I went for a haircut that opening a storefront in NYC will be the biggest gamble of my life. I believe him now.

So here are a few photos of Neil's food. This is to remind me of why we are doing this to begin with. Something so simple as wanting to share our food with people and make a living doing it has turned out to be so stressful. But hopefully, we will get to a point where things are okay. And people will come and eat this food and love it. I think Neil is the best cook and I can only hope that all his hard work will pay off. Maybe one day I will look back at this and will appreciate the steps and challenges along the way.

Our last day off was 3 weeks ago, and I'm only uploading my photos now! Neil cooking in a dream of a kitchen and dinner of farro with his version of a Filipino eggplant omelette. Looks like another busy week ahead-- our storefront is coming along, we've got a photo shoot and usual prep, and I'm giving flu shots every day too! Looking forward to a day of rest soon. Hopefully, it won't be another 3 weeks...

From NPR

I've been spending a lot of time during the week prepping food for our weekend market-- rolling spring rolls in particular. To pass the time, I listen to a lot of NPR. There's always something interesting on and a lot to learn about. I'd like to share something I heard this afternoon. All Things Considered interviewed a group of Iraq and Afghanistan vets, many of whom are disabled, as they climbed Yosemite's Half Dome to honor the anniversary of Sept. 11th. One of the soldiers who lost his leg reflected on how he didn't know when he set out that day that he would be injured and said, "Death is kinda around the corner just about everywhere you go. You can't choose how you're gonna go. But you can choose how you're gonna live." Thought it was a good reminder to keep things in perspective. 

 My friend Mandy is due in two weeks! Just some photos we took yesterday in the park. So excited for them!!

Wong Kar Wai's films are being featured at the Museum of the Moving Image until August 24th. Still to show are my favorites In the Mood for Love and 2046. Can't wait to see his newest movie The Grandmaster which comes out tomorrow here in NYC.

On another note, did you go to google today and hit play? Love the romantic doodle inspired by Debussy's 151st birthday.

Had the opportunity to visit a homestead and farm in Western Massachusetts this past weekend. Shortly after arriving, I helped pack the flowers for a wedding they were working on, picked some blueberries for lunch, and weeded the rest of the time away. Loved being outdoors and working again. Hopefully, will be back next year.

Good Reads

Need things in my life that are low-maintenance. I can't deal with much else at the moment. With what little time I have for myself, I'm reading a book on the effects of chronic stress on our bodies and health. So I'm trying to slow down (hard in a fast-paced city) and take time out to rest. My recent trip to California visiting family and friends made me realize how NOT relaxed I've been. When overwhelmed, I tend to withdraw so reading and watching things (Mad Men has been so good lately!!) are what I take comfort in. The books I've read recently:

• Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Coast Trail by Cheryl Strayed
• This Life Is in Your Hands by Melissa Coleman
• Wandering Home: A Long Walk Across America's Most Hopeful Landscape: Vermont's Champlain Valley and New York's Adirondacks by Bill McKibben

This is just what I've finished... forget about all the other books I'm trying to get through!

Last Night's Dinner

Lucky to be living with two really amazing cooks. I don't eat meat anymore but can't call myself a vegetarian as I still eat seafood. When my family cooks something like this, it would be rude to refuse. Anyhow, very thankful for good meals and for what it took to get to my plate. Whole fish, market vegetables, and our vegetarian spring rolls leftover from last week's market. For some reason, we sell out of everything else (including the mushroom) each week except for the vegetarian one!

Strawberry Rhubarb Compote

I think I may now spend more time staring at my phone than my computer, as evidenced by more activity on my Instagram than on this blog!

Strawberries are back in season and it's starting to heat up again here in NY. Today, I made a sauce with strawberries from Phillips Farm and mixed in the rhubarb compote I made last week. Quick and delicious!