I am a Pisces (is that a correct usage of language?) or at least I used to be. It's an appropriate sign for me, as it pretty much accurately describes my personality. I am sensitive, imaginative, unworldly, and melancholic. I'm misunderstood. I'm behind-the-scenes, I don't like the spotlight. I am internally conflicted, swimming in opposite directions. I am mutable!!

But under the new zodiac change, I am now an Aquarius, whose qualities are almost the complete opposite of me. I'm no longer passive? Eccentric? Clear and logical?? This water carrier is a stranger to me! Can I learn to embrace my new sign? After all, I think it is about time to stop being a dreamer. But I'm not sure if I like everything I'm reading. Some of the health problems that Aquarians are susceptible to include diarrhea, goiter, and my favorite-- delirium tremens. That would be alcohol withdrawal. Hmmm.

Regardless of what sign I really am, here's some of my Piscean creativity coming out. Please enjoy listening to my playlist.

"I need someone to love me the whole day through. Ah, one look in my eyes and you can tell that's true."

You know that scene in Annie Hall when Alvy reverts to his childhood bumper car-driving days in a Los Angeles parking lot after his breakup with Annie is finalized? Or in The Wrestler, when Mickey Rourke's character Randy, at the height of his frustration and embarrassment at being recognized as "The Ram" at his deli job, jams the meat slicer and cuts his hand open, makes a huge scene and quits his job at the same time? Well, I can't say that something like that happened to me... but it came pretty darn close.

Two nights ago, I blacked out in the bathroom. I didn't lose consciousness, but I was extremely dizzy and also couldn't see or hear anything for about 5 minutes. I'm not sure what happened really, but I eventually found myself on the couch, with a trail of blood coming from the bathroom and the back of my head a bloody mess.

I don't know how exactly I ended up with a 2-inch gash on the back side of my head, but it seems like I ran with full force into the wall, bounced back and forth from wall to toilet and landed my head on a sharp corner of the cabinet under the sink. Looking back, I should have gotten stitches. But I have to admit, I was a bit intoxicated and understandably embarrassed. So, Neil wrapped a towel around a frozen piece of meat and placed it on the back of my head, and off to bed I went.

What is going on??

It has not been an easy year. On the outside, everything appears to be pretty good. I'm at a place where I should be at this point in my life. I just don't understand why then it feels like everything is wrong.

It was 16 years ago today that my mom decided to take her own life. That irrevocable act cast a dark shadow of sadness over our lives that permeates even the sunniest of days. Needless to say, things have been very unstable for the people she left behind-- my grandparents, my sister and myself. Since then, we have moved to California to Toronto to the Philippines to New York and back and forth from place to place-- all in attempts to find the best life possible given the circumstance. I don't quite see an end to this transient way of life just yet-- as my desire to keep what's left of this nuclear family together trumps my desire to never set foot inside an airplane again-- but I certainly yearn for some peace and stability.

I'm hesitating to write this post, but I realize that the opportunity to share these thoughts in daily life is rare. So I'll take these few moments to reflect and share with whoever it may be that is reading this right now.

I'll be attending another funeral this coming week. This will be the fourth funeral in the last four months. As my grandfather noted, the year of the Tiger has been filled with a lot of death and loss.

Life is truly short (although it feels so long sometimes). And it's too short to not be happy.

I can't tell whether I'm propelling myself further into an early midlife crisis or simply just reevaluating everything. Either way, I sure got a kick in the head.

Yet another film to look forward to-- The Illusionist by French animator Sylvain Chomet. I don't know if you saw The Triplets of Belville but I had never seen anything like it before, a beautiful hand-drawn animated movie capable of bringing out so many emotions. It has been eight years and I can't even imagine how many millions of hours has gone into making the The Illusionist, but I am going to have to find some way to persuade my grandfather to see this with me (though we'll have to wait until we're back in NY.)

Now, meditate on beautiful music.

This is my favorite time of the year to go to the movies. There are so many good options as it nears the Oscars. We watched "The Fighter" last night and although I've still got a list of movies to see before the year ends, this is going to be a hard one to beat. You need to see it too!

Regression

When I start asking my grandfather for a cigarette and, this may sound really strange but, when my sister starts re-watching Bollywood movies late at night... we know that things are starting to fall apart again.

I don't know what it is exactly... perhaps it's the snow and the cold weather, or that this time of year inevitably reminds us of the losses we've experienced... or maybe it's simply because we are shopping at the Walmart every other day! But the holidays are always a weird time for us.

But hey, at least there's always one movie that can cheer us up! 

 

It's -6 degrees celcius today! And sunny too! Lovely day for taking a walk, although it's still very, very cold. 

Here's the beautiful cowl my sister knitted for me. 

Now... try to sing along to all the "oh"s in the last part of "The Boy with the Thorn in His Side!"

I saw "Diner" the other day during my flight and I wondered why I hadn't ever gotten around to seeing this sooner. It came out the year I was born! If you've never seen it before, it's about 6 friends whose favorite hangout is the diner. Not much really happens-- you just see various moments of their lives-- but it's these scenes that reveal so much about their characters. Yea, it's old and some parts seem cheesy now, but there are also some really great moments. Plus, you get to see Mickey Rourke in his prime!

I didn't realize I missed Cali so much until I got here! It's so beautiful. Just being here makes me happy... Maybe one day I'll find my way back for good.

This is major Tom to ground control
I'm stepping through the door
And I'm floating in the most peculiar way
And the stars look very different today

I'm back in Manila, back in the heat and humidity. The elevator wasn't working in our building and I walked up and down the stairs all day-- we live on the 11th floor! I'm sitting in an air-conditioned cafe right now in the middle of Chinatown, Manila, sipping on this really good sesame tea latte. There is an ant or some other creature crawling on my cake but I don't even care. I continue eating. Roaches probably crawl on me at night for all I know. I've mostly been packing all day with my grandfather, getting ready to head back to Toronto soon.

Being in the Philippines is always a funny time for me. It's the place where I'm supposed to fit in the most-- as it's the place of my birth-- but I almost always feel completely foreign and uncomfortable. Plus, there are so many customs and certain ways of doing things within the subculture of the Philippine-born Chinese community that are even more difficult to grasp and understand. I don't want to say anything negative or sound ungrateful, so I'll just leave it at that. In the meantime, I've mostly been staying at home watching Mad Men (seasons 1-3) and chatting with my grandfather and a few special people that sometimes drop by. Also, really enjoying the food as always. I guess eating is one thing that can always unite people!

The good stuff.

 San Hsi Tang teahouse, located on the 4th floor of the National Museum. One of our best meals, with great dim sum and nice selection of tea (we had Tie Kuan Yin.) Our favorite dishes were the beef noodle soup and taro cake dessert.

Food court at Taipei 101, too many stalls and so little time! I had tan-tzu noodles with sides of tofu and veggies. Warm tofu-hua with peanuts and tapioca pearls for dessert.

At Ching Yeh, where we waited 30 minutes for a seat. This is the food I grew up on, except that I never knew people actually served it in restaurants! It probably originated from Xiamen, where my people-- and the Taiwanese-- are originally from. I can also get this type of food in the Philippines, in Chinatown, but not this good! Above, my comfort food: sweet potato congee with radish omelette.

Honestly, I can't get enough of all the "small eats" that Taiwan has to offer. Our last meal, breakfast at the famous Yong He Dou Jiang Da Wang, or "Soy Milk King" We paid 200 NTD one way in taxi fare for this 150 NTD meal! Soup dumplings, fried you tiao, and of course, the warm sweetened soy milk. We also ordered fan tuan and radish cake. So good!

Taipei, Taiwan

The tea of cool.

Look what my grandfather found for me! Indeed, I am content =)

Two months since my last post. I've not been very good at streaming my life on the web! All I can say is that things have taken an unexpected turn for me and although it hasn't been easy lately, I realize there's lots to be grateful for and I'm happy to be living one day at a time. I'm always eager to make plans-- vacations, classes, my next career, haha. And though making plans is a good way to set goals and keep life organized, sometimes I think I need to just focus on the present.

So presently, I am in Taipei, Taiwan with my grandfather. We are taking a short vacation before we head back to Toronto. The last time I was here was 1996 when my sister and I stayed the summer with our grandparents. Taipei reminds me a lot of the cities we visited in Japan-- except that I can actually understand what people are saying! I'm loving the food and I don't think I've ever had better tea. Heading out now to start our day!

Finished the first layer of my painting last night. A little nervous, as it was my first time picking up a paintbrush but I was surprised at how much easier it is than drawing. It's also really calming. Looking forward to the rest of the semester.

By the way, how awesome is this weather we are having, so cool and breezy. I love fall!!

Enjoyed the last of three days off in a row, went to Shake Shack for lunch and walked around the city. Tonight, just finished watching Blood Simple on Netflix, which is a great movie to see before going to sleep, haha. Actually, I couldn't stop laughing at the end. But anyways, Frances McDormand looks so young and pretty-- it was after all her first film. Now I want to re-watch all her other Coen brothers movies she did throughout the years. And I'm also curious to see Zhang Yimou's remake of the film, A Woman, a Gun, and a Noodle Shop, which is now playing at the Landmark. Too bad I'm going back to work tomorrow night, and for the entire long weekend!!

My (Post) Midnight Snack

Tomatoes and berries from Greenmarket today and Neil's yummy blueberry pancakes.

Recent Trip to Toronto

Following my sister around downtown.

Finally got to see I am Love last night.

Seems like I only update this blog when I'm on vacation. In Toronto right now, just for 3 days, but nevertheless enjoying the nice weather and, um, daylight in general-- basically very happy I'm not at work!

For anyone that's interested, I have been meaning to share this Terry Gross interview with the creator of Mad Men, Matthew Weiner. And since I have no one to talk about the show with in NYC (and my husband has about as much interest in it as I have for watching the YES channel), and because there's only so many times I can re-watch an episode while waiting an entire week for the next, I have been reading the TV club entries about the show on Slate. Three more days until the fourth episode!