Hump Day

Guess I'm back in the rat race of life. I've never had a Monday to Friday job before so the weeks seems ridiculously long to me... Is this what everyone else does?!

One of the doctors I work with asked me today, "So I heard you worked on a farm last year?"

Um... yeah.

Before the farming, I worked 12-hour night shifts 3-4 times a week, so I had nights off in between. But I spent it all sleeping or dreading going back to work. So I wouldn't ever go back to that.


However, I was just sitting at my desk today thinking about how one year ago I was shoveling dirt and milking goats and living with other people in a big farmhouse. I was genuinely happy.

The job I have now is I think the happiest I'm gonna get with a nursing job. I have my own office, I get an actual lunch break, no one is dying... And I have health insurance again! So yay for that. But it was raining today and I wanted to be outside working, not rushing down the crowded streets in dry-clean only dress pants! But spring is coming around the corner, so I'm looking forward to some farm work days soon!

Optimum Trajectory

“Your life is like a river. If you’re aiming for a goal that isn't your destiny, you will always be swimming against the current... Find out what your destiny is and the river will carry you."

-The Men Who Stare at Goats

A bit cheesy, I know. And the movie itself, not that great.

But that quote struck me.

Anyone that has known me these last few years knows how challenging working as a nurse, particularly in oncology, has been for me. I get that a lot of people don't like their jobs or find their jobs boring or stressful... but when it makes you cry all the time-- before work because of anxiety, during work because of an overwhelming sense of doom, and after work because of exhaustion-- it feels like swimming against the current, a constant struggle.

Working on a farm or garden has been something I have wanted to do since college, but never found enough time or had the opportunity to go away and live somewhere else for an entire season. Now that I have decided to try something completely different (or what people who are in my world and a part of my life right now consider to be unconventional) and made this change in my life, I'm not sure if I can go back. It feels right, even though I don't know where it will take me. But I'm content to continue floating along with this current.

I was going to blog about a play I saw the other evening, but it seems pretty trivial to me now. Something so terrible happened at work last night to one of our patients, a night we thought was going to be relatively easy, with only 5-6 patients each. I can't even go into details because I'd like to keep my job (at least for now), but I haven't been able to stop thinking about it. I can't believe I chose a job where every single thing I do and every decision I make has a direct effect or consequence on another human being. There's no room for error, which makes going to work pretty scary. It doesn't matter if I didn't get enough sleep or didn't even eat or I have other things on my mind. I can't mess up. Last night was a wake up call. On top of what happened at the hospital last night, while I'm taking care of other people's family members, I'm also worried about my own who are in other people's care half way around the world, and who are also not in great shape. Sigh. I shall try to heed the words of my wise cousin: "Always look on the bright side of life" (whistle, whistle) I know I can't be the only discouraged RN out there. So in attempts to find solace, I searched for some blogs. Here are a few:

• Call Bells Make Me Nervous
• Doctor Grumpy in the House
• Reality Rounds
• At Your Cervix
• The Man-Nurse Diaries
• The Adventures of Bob the Nurse

[From Dazeychic etsy store]

 What a long night... at work for 14 hours. Now I'm gonna sleep so I can get up later to do it all over again. Sigh.

Background Music

When I'm at work, I don't normally get a chance to sit down until about 1 am and then I have to keep running around every few minutes because patients keep calling throughout the night. But at around 3-4 am, things usually quiet down. We've usually finished our notes by now, and unless something bad happens, this is when we can surf the web, eat lunch, put our heads down, etc. The radio is constantly playing in the background at the nurses' station. The same songs keep playing over and over, but sometimes a song will come on that we haven't heard 10 times already, like this old school slow jam, and everyone will just hum along quietly. Alright, time to start making rounds again...

As I was flipping through this week's issue of the New York Magazine, I encountered an interesting article about a topic we were frequently exposed to during our labor & delivery class in nursing school-- home births. It's not surprising that a school with a midwifery program would try to persuade it's students that a natural home delivery-- without an epidural, fetal heart monitoring, or an obstetrician-- is the ideal way to give birth (another hot topic was breast-feeding, though it's much less controversial.) Despite the lectures and videos that made us all think we wanted to give birth in hot tubs (just google home births), the field of midwifery seemed like a path that few students wanted to go into; I remember hearing someone stereotyping midwives and their clients as hippies or bitter feminists that lived by mantras like "I am Woman. I am Strong." While at my clinic in the hospital, the labor and delivery RN's seemed like the toughest, meanest nurses I'd ever met. And I didn't blame them. That experience was enough for me to know that I did not want to work where all my patients would be 100% women. Women in pain. No, thank you. Anyways, this is a topic I don't plan on thinking about for at least a few more years. By then, I hope that either of the options, home or hospital, won't seem like such frightening experiences. In the meantime, it's interesting to see yet another movement, or fad, gaining popularity these days.

Last night (this morning) I accidently stuck myself with an insulin needle. And most likely exposed myself to pneumonia. Twice. Oh well. I am working 7 out of the next 9 nights. But I'll survive... I am Woman. I am strong.

After a few sips of wine, beer, or any kind of alcohol, my face usually starts turning pink. After more sips (about half a drink), my face becomes the color of a plum and my skin starts developing small dots. Thus, my usual response after being offered a drink is to decline it. The embarrassment of turning near purple usually trumps my embarrassment of not being able to drink, even though I do feel a little left out sometimes. But now I actually have some facts to base my strange aversion towards alcohol, thanks to the NY Times. My hunch was accurate-- turning purple is a warning sign!!! (Do you hear me, Charles?!) Speaking of cancer, I just off from work. Relatively smooth night with 6 male patients. One of them told me I need to get a life after I said I spent my day off sleeping (this coming from a 71 year old.) So... I'm going to try and stay awake today. And do something other than sleep.

#12.3 The Kooks - Ooh la by lablogotheque

This is one of the older take-away shows, but I still can't get over how great it is (especially the end) every time I watch it. Got off of work yesterday morning and for the first time I stayed awake until night (though I became increasingly delirious after 8pm!) It was an amazingly warm day, and I was still trying to digest the events overnight. Floating is a nursing term we use when we are assigned to a different floor other than the one we normally work on. So I "floated" for the first time, and of all the places-- to the VIP floor, where (I heard this first on the radio, so I don't think this violates HIPAA!) a certain US Supreme Court Justice is recovering from surgery. Flustered at first, but made it through the night alright with 6 "VIP"s in my hands, haha.

Thanks, Allan & Dan! It's a funny gift, but I really need the encouragement. Especially from people who work in the same place:) The last shift was a bit more challenging than most nights-- 8 patients total. Really sick patients. Working with sick people is fine-- it's my job. But seeing dying/dead people (and their families) is difficult. I don't care what anyone else says-- it affects you in some way. For me, it never really sinks in until after the shift is over. Anyways, can't think about it too long. Gotta keep moving. And doing something. My music is making me happy. Here, the last 10 songs on my iTunes shuffle:

• Trouble in Mind-- covered by Johnny Cash
• Is This Love-- Bob Marley song by guy with guitar who plays in Union Square (don't remember his name)
• Everybody's Gotta Learn Sometime-- Amelie soundtrack by Yann Tiersen
• Anna (Go to Him)-- The Beatles
• Funny How Time Slips Away-- Al Green
• Say Hello Wave Goodbye-- David Gray
• Piece of My Heart-- Janis Joplin
• People Everyday-- Arrested Development
• Just Like Heaven-- The Cure
• Sweetest Thing-- Lauryn Hill

Gonna take a walk up to 86th Street. I'm so glad I have the weekend off!!! Update: Is This Love cover by Jahstix

Dragonfruit-- what a nice treat after a day at work. And dinner too! Thanks, Neil. Now that I'm off work, I can't stop replaying everything that has happened during my 12-hour shift. Did I forget something? Did I do something incorrectly? How could I have answered differently? Was there a different way for me to handle that situation? I hope nothing I did causes any discomfort for the patients or grief for the next nurse. I analyze everything. Unfortunately, I don't get a lot of time to actually do that during my shift. My whole day consists of trying to complete my tasks: hang IVs, give meds, check lab results, change dressings and drains, assess, document, teach, order supplies, discharge and admit patients... I have to constantly remind myself of what needs to be done while keeping up with patient requests and relaying information to other health-care practitioners and hospital staff. Nothing else can really get processed through my brain right now, which is why I am watching the presidential debate but not really hearing anything they are saying. So I will blog. I had 3 patients recovering from surgery and 3 that came in with complications. Two of them were from other floors and had respiratory infections, which meant I had to put on gloves, gown, and mask everytime I entered the room (important but time comsuming-- I had to stay 2 hours after my shift ended yesterday.) My floor is specific for gastric cancers/tumors, so I am not comfortable taking care of patients with other types of cancers, especially if they have a lot of complications and breathing problems (chest tubes, pneumonia, etc.) like my 2 patients today. But I got through the day. And I learned a lot. And I really liked (most of) my patients. It was a good day overall, but I am definitely looking forward to sleeping in tomorrow. My five days off in Toronto went by quickly. Aside from watching dvds at home, we went out to eat and spent some time with friends who recently returned from the Peace Corps. It was Thanksgiving in Canada but... who really cares! All I know was that there was enough traffic on Friday to crush my plans of going to Algonquin to see the fall foliage. At least we watched Burn After Reading-- my only other plan for the weekend-- and was not disappointed. Now the debate has ended. I thought it was interesting, didn't you think so too? I heard something about Joe the Plumber...